An opening monologue for the 2022 Academy Awards

Hello, and welcome to your Oscars telecast already in progress.

Just so you guys know, I did a third of my jokes before the broadcast began. But don’t worry. You didn’t miss anything.

But, you know, that’s not fair. Tonight is not about me. It’s about the 15 people it takes to make a movie.

And the producers wanted me to tell you that in solidarity with th…